Some days are so tough...the thought of getting out of bed and putting on a front to everyone that things are "ok" can be so draining day after day. I have found certain songs that really helped me get through those tough days. Whether you believe in God or not, the following song reassures you that you are not alone in your struggles.
I won't let Go....hold onto that thought.
"Those we have held in our arms for a short while, we hold in our hearts forever" Ella Bea McKenzie 2/8/2011 6 lbs 14 oz 18 in Let us never forget...
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
The day that changed everything...
It was the Monday after Superbowl Sunday (February 7th), a day we will never forget. I was 36weeks (9 months) pregnant. I woke up at 3am and noticed that our baby girl had not woken me up with her kicks like she had done every night for the past couple months. After an hour of trying to get her to move (drinking orange juice, moving around, etc) we called the doctor and she said to come in to the hospital to confirm things were ok. Being that we were so far along and she was measuring ahead of schedule, we brought our "hospital bag" and cameras in the event that this was IT. I was excited.
About 5 minutes into the car ride, I knew that this was indeed NOT IT and that something was really wrong. A feeling that I cannot describe- other than the worst gut feeling in the world, came over me.
We arrived at the hospital and they checked us in very quickly. A nurse came in and hooked me to the fetal heart rate monitor... Nothing. She reassured us that these machines are not always able to find the heartbeat right away and then hooked an ultrasound machine (really old school one that was in the room).... Nothing. She then ordered the Ultrasound Technician to come up with the newer machine. By this time, I was sure... our baby girl was gone. So, when the tech confirmed that there was no fetal heartbeat, It was no surprise. What it was.... was Devestation. Even though I knew (call it a motherly instict), I couldn't believe it. This was not part of the plan. Corey dropped to his knees and asked how this could happen. The nurse cried with us, the doctor gave us his condolences. And then there we were... all alone.
That was the moment that changed our lives forever. We will never be the same 2 people ever again.
We were given our options- we decided to deliver our sweet girl- whose name we then announced: Ella Bea McKenzie. 19 hours of labor later- we were able to hold our sweet baby girl. Those precious moments we hold so close and will be moments in time that we will never forget. We are so grateful for the time we had with her- even though she never breathed a breath on this earth, she touched so many lives and will forever be a part of us. Our families were with us every step of the way those devestating 19 hours and well beyond. They were able to hold Ella- a granddaughter, niece, goddaughter, great granddaughter and to us a beloved daughter.
The days and months following the death of Ella were so difficult. Everything reminded me that I didn't have her: friends having their babies, friends announcing their pregnancy, going to Target and walking past the diaper isle, seeing ads on TV for baby items, etc. There were days that it just didn't seem possible to go back to a normal life. I think that is when we decided that we never will go back to a normal life...but we will have to create a "new" normal. And so we did...
The past 4 months have been a life journey- learning to trust God again, learning to be happy again, and most importantly- learning to LIVE and love LIFE again. Our journey is far from over, this I know. I am hoping that through our blog, we can document our struggles, our successes and all those things that have helped us along the way. In meeting others who have gone through something similar, I know how important it is to know that you are not alone in this world. Especially when something like this happens; know that there are others out there who care and I hope they see this blog and know, we care.
About 5 minutes into the car ride, I knew that this was indeed NOT IT and that something was really wrong. A feeling that I cannot describe- other than the worst gut feeling in the world, came over me.
We arrived at the hospital and they checked us in very quickly. A nurse came in and hooked me to the fetal heart rate monitor... Nothing. She reassured us that these machines are not always able to find the heartbeat right away and then hooked an ultrasound machine (really old school one that was in the room).... Nothing. She then ordered the Ultrasound Technician to come up with the newer machine. By this time, I was sure... our baby girl was gone. So, when the tech confirmed that there was no fetal heartbeat, It was no surprise. What it was.... was Devestation. Even though I knew (call it a motherly instict), I couldn't believe it. This was not part of the plan. Corey dropped to his knees and asked how this could happen. The nurse cried with us, the doctor gave us his condolences. And then there we were... all alone.
That was the moment that changed our lives forever. We will never be the same 2 people ever again.
We were given our options- we decided to deliver our sweet girl- whose name we then announced: Ella Bea McKenzie. 19 hours of labor later- we were able to hold our sweet baby girl. Those precious moments we hold so close and will be moments in time that we will never forget. We are so grateful for the time we had with her- even though she never breathed a breath on this earth, she touched so many lives and will forever be a part of us. Our families were with us every step of the way those devestating 19 hours and well beyond. They were able to hold Ella- a granddaughter, niece, goddaughter, great granddaughter and to us a beloved daughter.
The days and months following the death of Ella were so difficult. Everything reminded me that I didn't have her: friends having their babies, friends announcing their pregnancy, going to Target and walking past the diaper isle, seeing ads on TV for baby items, etc. There were days that it just didn't seem possible to go back to a normal life. I think that is when we decided that we never will go back to a normal life...but we will have to create a "new" normal. And so we did...
The past 4 months have been a life journey- learning to trust God again, learning to be happy again, and most importantly- learning to LIVE and love LIFE again. Our journey is far from over, this I know. I am hoping that through our blog, we can document our struggles, our successes and all those things that have helped us along the way. In meeting others who have gone through something similar, I know how important it is to know that you are not alone in this world. Especially when something like this happens; know that there are others out there who care and I hope they see this blog and know, we care.
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